Thursday, October 27, 2011

Coming to terms

I am coming to terms with the fact that I will not get pregnant again, and that Ryder will grow up an only child.  I am still sad about it, of course. I can still cry almost instantly if I think about it, but I am staying strong because this is God's will for us.  I trust in Him. I know someday I will see the babies I was unable to carry.  There are 5 of them waiting for us, and I can only imagine.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you."
{Jeremiah 1:5}

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Life goes on....

Okay-so aside from my latest posts--we have been going on with life.  It does go on and you must continue to live and do fun things--RIGHT!!!?  So--we got a new friend in our family. Ryder named her Fuzzy. She is a cute little fuzzball of a kitten.  Just petite in her own right. She follows us around outside like a dog would, and loves to chase Ryder.  She has pretty blue eyes that I hope stay that way.

Last weekend my whole family was home {all 6 of us kids with spouses and children in tow} so we had a fun weekend of hanging out and visiting. We haven't all been together since June 4 so it was way over due.  We took the kiddos to Papa's Pumpkin Patch in Bismarck for an afternoon-they had a lot of fun in the bale maze.

We have also gotten a lot of work done around here.  Quay finally finished all the trailers and got them out of my front yard.  We got the garage all shingled-can I get a HOORAY!!  My pre-winter to do list on the fridge is almost complete!  What an accomplishment-it's nice to see those things crossed off.

I am ready for something great to happen in our lives though, because despite the few fun things we have done lately--it seems nothing is going right. Our dog, Odie, destroyed our last fence collar {ugh}, he has been sick for several days so he is on dog-antibiotics, and this morning when I let Odie outside I looked down into the basement to find about 3 inches of water in it!!!  So to put it out mildly-we've had a bad month. I am ready for November to come so maybe our luck will turn around. I want to put all of this behind me and move on to bigger and better things!!

Sunday, October 23, 2011


So-the ride is still on.  One day I am great, no problem-I can handle this.  But not 2 minutes later I am a sobbing mess of tears.  And the tears just flow.  I still don't understand, and I probably never will. I am just having a hard time with that. Every time I turn around a new person is announcing their pregnancy and I just want to scream.  I don't know what to do with myself. I have distanced myself from people because I just can't deal with them right now. I need to mourn the loss of someone I never even knew, someone I never got the chance to know, but I love them just the same because in my dreams I could see their tiny face, and feel their tiny hands wrap around my finger. I wanted a chance to be a mother again to another sweet little someone. I have an amazing group of friends and family. I have had so many tell me if I need anything to let them know. But there is only one thing that I need right now and no one can give me that. No one can make this empty feeling go away. My heart is broken, and I know that time will heal it, but right now I am just sad. I wish I had something one to show for all the money we spent on IVF and FET. But we don't-it was all for nothing. It was money spent on sadness and emptyness. I know we must take chances in life, and I really thought this chance was going to be worth it, but so far not.

I need something happy to happen in my life.  I am holding on to my family with all I've got, because they are my everything. I am clinging to God, waiting for His answer on what I should do next.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Make it stop...

I usually really like carnival rides, but this emotional roller coaster I am on needs to come to a halt.  The weekend was okay-one day I feel great, the next its like I am in the gutter.  I just feel so "betrayed", like God brought my hopes up again, then they just crashed down and were stomped on.  I know there is a higher power at work here, I know God is in control. But dang it-just once I want a break. When does my family become complete?

Last night I was reading my new Redbook magazine. As I flipped through the pages I come to a big article on Infertility. Wow-there it was staring at me. Infertility-my disease.  I have known I am infertile for nearly 8 years now, but it is still just so hard to grasp.  I still hold out hope every month that my ugly monthly friend won't show up and I will get that "surprise!!!" feeling that I have never felt.  In the magazine they talked about some videos other women have made telling their journey on Infertility Road. So, I got out the laptop and watched a few of these videos, and one truly hit home for me.  It was a woman like me who had primary infertility, had 2 children through IVF and is now going through secondary infertility to try and have a 3rd child.  She explained in her video how she just feels that her family isn't complete, she is so thankful for the children she has but yearns for just one more.  That is exactly how I feel!!! I am over the moon about my little boy-he is the greatest gift I have ever received, but I just don't feel whole. I feel there is someone missing, and infertility has robbed me of that person I may never get to meet.  Last night Quay and I got into bed and just out of nowhere the tears flowed down my cheeks.  For the last month or so I had been imagining being pregnant again, looking at baby stuff in the stores, buying maternity clothes. I think the biggest disappointment I have about not being pregnant is not being able to tell Ryder that he is going to be a big brother.  We haven't really told him that it didn't work yet, I just don't even know what to say to him.  I know he's going to be sad, but being 6 I know he'll get over it in 5 minutes. Not like his mom who takes 5 months.

Life is hard. Plain and simple. It sucks sometimes and you wonder if you are doing the right thing. Sometimes I wonder why we even tried again. Now we are in debt again, and for nothing. I have nothing to show for it but a scarred heart, and a tear stained face. I guess as humans we just always have to strive for more, why can't we just be satisfied? Why why why.......

Friday, October 14, 2011

It's over

The week is finally over and I must say I am relieved. It's been the longest week-full of anxiety.  On Wednesday morning we got our first beta test pregnancy test results only to be heartbroken once again when she told me the number was less than 1.  Today we went back for test #2, and again-negative.  I am truly broken hearted that I won't be pregnant ever again.  I loved being pregnant, I found it to be truly amazing that a tiny little person was growing inside of me. 

I just feel so broken. My body won't do what a woman's body is supposed to do. I feel like I try so hard in life to do the "right" thing, be a good person, but it just doesn't seem like it matters.  Why doesn't God answer our prayers? Why can't I have a house full of children?  I know there is a reason for everything, but I don't get this one.  I hope someday I will find the answer.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Ball of nerves

That's me-I tried to keep myself occupied today with doing some simple projects, but I didn't get far.  I got winded very quickly and started getting cramps so I quit. Sat in my green lazy-boy and spent some time on Pinterest.

Tomorrow is a big deciding factor on the rest of our lives.  We go in for our first blood test and hope to hear high numbers with the phone call. If not-I will be sad-but I know there is nothing I can do about it. God has a plan for me and I must follow it-even if I feel it is unfair.  I have one perfect little boy that I absolutely adore!  Last night he asked me, "so do you think there is a baby in there?", pointing to my stomach. I reply with a "I don't know?"  He walks away saying, "I sure hope there is and I don't care if it's a brother or a sister!"

I sure hope he's right-and I don't care if it's a brother or a sister either. I don't care if this little embryo split into 2--I just want a new bundle of joy to love and hold. I want my son to grow up with a sibling that he can love, fight with, grow up with, be there for.

Dear God,  I pray for a blessing, a miracle.


Friday, October 7, 2011

A little bit of this....

Yesterday was just one of those days. We accomplished some, but not really much of anything.  Quay finally got his sled trailer out of the front yard, only to bring the car trailer home and park it in it's place.  We got 3/4 of the pumpkins loaded in the yard cart, now to figure out what to do with them. I am thinking of taking what I want and making a for sale sign for the rest out by the highway. We have way too many.  It was a mascara only type day-and I am loving Mary Kay's new Love Lash Mascara. It really makes your lashes longer and fuller.

We had our first parent-teacher conferences with Mrs. Kaylor yesterday afternoon. She had nothing but good to say about our boy.  {insert pride here}  He is average to above-average in all his subjects. She has him in the advanced reading class, which surprises me-but I knew I had a smart kid.  There are just a few things he needs to work on-a few letters and the number 9.  She said he was the only kid in the class to know what the letter 'Q' was (thanks to his dad's name--Quay).  He has been the only child in the classroom not to lose his green discipline card all school year!! Wow! She commented on how organized he is, how much of a perfectionist he is, and how large his vocabulary is.  I am just so proud of him. And to think--he didn't even go to pre-school. Hahaha!!

Last night after Quay went to work, Ryder and I were outside. The wind had died down and it was just absolutely lovely out.  Ryder was playing in the leaves, so I decided to snap a few pictures.  He just LOVES leaves.  Oh and the dogs had to wrestle with him too. (No--Roo isn't biting him even though it does look like it)

A favorite fall snack-dry roasted peanuts and candy corn--Mmmm mmmm good!! Tastes like a salted nut roll.

Five Things Thursday-Traveling

I realize it's Friday already-but I will join this linky party anyway.  The 5 Days 5 Ways blog has invited us to post about traveling-well I seem to know a little about that this year, since we have done our fair share of it (for us anyway).

Here is a Hawaiin sunset from a beach in Maui. My husband and I traveled to Oahu and Maui in February in celebration of our 10 year anniversary. Most spectacular place ever!!  I can't wait to go back.

This is in Las Vegas in April--we traveled here for my sister-in-law's wedding. It was a fun family vacation!

This was our most "traveled" to place this summer-our sailboat, "Lil' Slippery", which resides on Lake Sakakawea about 20 minutes from where we live. We had a lot of fun times on it and some not so fun but memorable times. :)

This is in the North Dakota badlands near Medora, ND.  We try to go here every couple of years, it's just a couple hour drive but the scenery is just gorgeous.  (excuse my son-he couldn't stand the bright sun-haha!)

This was taken at my parents farm. It's only a 10 minute drive from my house, but it's one of my favorite places to be because it's where my family is!  I spend a lot of time there in the summer months.

five days five ways | 5 Things Thursday

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


It was a good day to be on bedrest today-because the wind is a BLOWING!  I have done a few more productive things today-like pay bills, held the couch down,  helped Quay make spaghetti sauce for supper.  That's about it. I guess I didn't do much. Oh well.  I just hate this wait. Only one more week.  I have found a new show that I really like-The Doctors. I am learning all kinds of stuff! Ha!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Wait

Here we are-on the dreaded 2ww. That is forum language for two week wait.  I don't have to wait quite 2 weeks-only 1 1/2 but still dreadfully long to find out what your future will hold for the next...oh of your life!  We went to the clinic yesterday morning, arrived in an early fashion. The nurse took us back within 5 minutes, we got our post-transfer instructions--48 hrs bedrest, and lots of other "no-no's" until after my blood tests, Dr. C came in and talked to us. He informed us that only one of our embryos made the thaw, but the other one had grown from 10 cells to 14 cells that morning, so we had a Grade 2- 14 cell embryo just waiting for his/her new home!!  They took us into the transfer room and my bladder was actually doing okay being quite full.  Bob the U/S tech checked my bladder and I was cleared for take off.  It only took about 10 more minutes and I had that little embryo nestled up in there.  I laid in the transfer room for 20 minutes flat on my back just letting the little guy get real comfy, hoping he/she wants to make that their home for the next 9 months. :)  Our nurse came back in and said it was time to go home and rest.

So here I am--resting. Quite bored actually.  I have run out of things to do. The tv is off, the computer has been searched and searched some more. My husband is outside getting projects done before it gets cold. My son is in school (only 1 more hour for today!!).   One more day then I can do some not so hard things. I plan on taking it easy until next week. My blood tests are scheduled for Oct. 12 and the 14th.  They cannot come soon enough.  I have our embryo-baby picture on the fridge. Hoping to replace it soon with an u/s picture.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Busy week

It was a very busy week to end September.  As I predicted Quay didn't make it home to go to Fargo for our appointment, so my Dad tagged along with me.  We left after Ryder's dentist appointment, in which my little man got a shiny silver tooth. Oy!  Wednesday morning was my appointment and I got wonderful news!! No more U/S appointments-we scheduled my transfer day!! Hooray!  So that meant that Thursday I got to start taking more pills and the dreaded progesterone in oil shots.  (I had to make myself a colorful chart so I know when I take all my pills.) So far they have been quite painful (the shots that is), just as expected.  Friday I attend the Norsk Hostfest with my parents. We saw some great cover bands of Abba and The Beatles. That evening we went to The Gaithers. WONDERFUL! I have been to a couple of their concerts now and they are just such an uplifting experience.  Saturday proved to be a lazy day for me.  Ryder and I picked our pumpkins out of the garden, only to realize that it was hot outside! I headed back to the house and took a nap while Ryder watched Toy Story 3.

Today we are headed to Fargo again.  Our embryo transfer is Monday morning at 11am. I am starting to get a little freaked out, but I know it's all in God's hands. I can't control what happens in the next week. I just pray for 1 or 2 sticky little babies! I want high numbers next week on that labwork.

I woke up this morning and looked out the window to an awesome sight!  The sun was rising and peeking through the clouds. It was like God was showing me how beautiful he makes things and that I shouldn't worry. That's what I am going on anyway! :)   So I went out and snapped a picture. If you are reading this blog, I would appreciate a prayer for my family-that it may expand in the next 9 months.