Sunday, October 23, 2011


So-the ride is still on.  One day I am great, no problem-I can handle this.  But not 2 minutes later I am a sobbing mess of tears.  And the tears just flow.  I still don't understand, and I probably never will. I am just having a hard time with that. Every time I turn around a new person is announcing their pregnancy and I just want to scream.  I don't know what to do with myself. I have distanced myself from people because I just can't deal with them right now. I need to mourn the loss of someone I never even knew, someone I never got the chance to know, but I love them just the same because in my dreams I could see their tiny face, and feel their tiny hands wrap around my finger. I wanted a chance to be a mother again to another sweet little someone. I have an amazing group of friends and family. I have had so many tell me if I need anything to let them know. But there is only one thing that I need right now and no one can give me that. No one can make this empty feeling go away. My heart is broken, and I know that time will heal it, but right now I am just sad. I wish I had something one to show for all the money we spent on IVF and FET. But we don't-it was all for nothing. It was money spent on sadness and emptyness. I know we must take chances in life, and I really thought this chance was going to be worth it, but so far not.

I need something happy to happen in my life.  I am holding on to my family with all I've got, because they are my everything. I am clinging to God, waiting for His answer on what I should do next.

1 comment:

  1. You have finished with a good quote Lesley. You seem to be coping as best you can, it's only early days, don't be too hard on yourself.