Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Make it stop...

I usually really like carnival rides, but this emotional roller coaster I am on needs to come to a halt.  The weekend was okay-one day I feel great, the next its like I am in the gutter.  I just feel so "betrayed", like God brought my hopes up again, then they just crashed down and were stomped on.  I know there is a higher power at work here, I know God is in control. But dang it-just once I want a break. When does my family become complete?

Last night I was reading my new Redbook magazine. As I flipped through the pages I come to a big article on Infertility. Wow-there it was staring at me. Infertility-my disease.  I have known I am infertile for nearly 8 years now, but it is still just so hard to grasp.  I still hold out hope every month that my ugly monthly friend won't show up and I will get that "surprise!!!" feeling that I have never felt.  In the magazine they talked about some videos other women have made telling their journey on Infertility Road. So, I got out the laptop and watched a few of these videos, and one truly hit home for me.  It was a woman like me who had primary infertility, had 2 children through IVF and is now going through secondary infertility to try and have a 3rd child.  She explained in her video how she just feels that her family isn't complete, she is so thankful for the children she has but yearns for just one more.  That is exactly how I feel!!! I am over the moon about my little boy-he is the greatest gift I have ever received, but I just don't feel whole. I feel there is someone missing, and infertility has robbed me of that person I may never get to meet.  Last night Quay and I got into bed and just out of nowhere the tears flowed down my cheeks.  For the last month or so I had been imagining being pregnant again, looking at baby stuff in the stores, buying maternity clothes. I think the biggest disappointment I have about not being pregnant is not being able to tell Ryder that he is going to be a big brother.  We haven't really told him that it didn't work yet, I just don't even know what to say to him.  I know he's going to be sad, but being 6 I know he'll get over it in 5 minutes. Not like his mom who takes 5 months.

Life is hard. Plain and simple. It sucks sometimes and you wonder if you are doing the right thing. Sometimes I wonder why we even tried again. Now we are in debt again, and for nothing. I have nothing to show for it but a scarred heart, and a tear stained face. I guess as humans we just always have to strive for more, why can't we just be satisfied? Why why why.......

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