Thursday, October 11, 2012

I wish

I am still battling with the inftertility "demons". 
I can say I am past it, but I am not.
 I can put on a happy face, but inside it's eating me alive.
 I can say I won't go through IVF again, but I would.
I can say, no adoption isn't for us, but I think it could be.
When will this go away?  This feeling like I am incompetant as a woman because I can't have a baby, with or without medical intervention. It has always seemed like the easiest thing in the world-people have babies everyday. Until now.
 Why me? I have so much love to give, and I think my son is getting smothered with it (not that that's a bad thing).
why why why why why
That is what goes through my head over and over and over. I get no answer.
I see a woman carrying a baby, or a woman with 3-4-5 kids and think--why can she have so many and I can't be blessed with the "pregnant" gene.
I don't curse these women-I envy them. I wish I could be like them-fertile.
Then I hear or read about a women complaining about being pregnant and think-REALLY!! You have been blessed with a new life-what is wrong with you!!? Do you know how many women wish they could get pregnant and here you are complaining about it!!?
I pray, almost daily, that God would give us another child.
Do I feel like my prayers are unanswered?....yes, I do.
Do I feel shameful about this because I already have a beautiful son who is the best child anyone could ask for?...yes, I do.
Why do we always want more in life?
Why isn't what I have good enough?
Why is life so full of heartache?
why why why why...there they go again
I just wish, hope, pray, long, yearn for a new life to be growing inside me. Please.

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