On my mind

So there has been a lot on our minds lately. Whew.  We got a wild hair and decided we want to move again. We went and looked at a house that is for sale out in the country-great location, but the house just isn't quite what we want. It  has a floor plan that we can't see ourselves living in. So on to plan B, finding some land or an old farmstead and building our "dream" house. Oh boy-this sounds like fun stressful. Ha! It will be both I know.  I say "dream" house because I know it won't be ALL that we want, because to put it mildly-we can't afford that. We can afford what we NEED though, and it's not a mansion that's for sure. It will be our cottage in the country.  If we could pick this house up that we are in right now and move it-I think we would. We like our house-we've made it home. But location, location, location.  The highway traffic is getting worse here and we are ready for some privacy.

We've been working on getting those little projects done in our house.  So when it comes down to selling this house-we're ready. It's nice to have trim around my doors again. {smiling} 

November

On to a better month-a month full of thankfullness!  The last week was trying.  Ryder got sick last week Wednesday at 3am. Just what I like to wake up to-a sick kid telling me he didn't make it to the bathroom.  Then I started feeling nauseous.  I never got physically sick but I have felt nauseous for a week. Yuck. It's all better now.  Quay then got sick also over the weekend.  So hopefully that's all out of our systems and we can be healthy for the rest of the year.

Halloween was wonderful this year--the temperature was so warm that we didn't have to bundle up like eskimos.  Ryder got his fair share of candy for us all to munch on for the next 6 months. Ha! We carved some pumpkins the night before. Ryder enjoyed cleaning out the guts.

Sadly our kitty died last week. We don't really know what happened. Ryder was out playing with her in the afternoon and an hour later she was dead. There was a strange cat hanging out that we think may have something to do with it. We feel we just aren't meant to have a cat. Ryder was so sad, he just loves cats.

I got something exciting last week-my Silhouette Cameo came!!! I tried it out and it is awesome!! I can't wait to get some vinyl to make a few things.

Coming to terms

I am coming to terms with the fact that I will not get pregnant again, and that Ryder will grow up an only child.  I am still sad about it, of course. I can still cry almost instantly if I think about it, but I am staying strong because this is God's will for us.  I trust in Him. I know someday I will see the babies I was unable to carry.  There are 5 of them waiting for us, and I can only imagine.

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you."
{Jeremiah 1:5}



Life goes on....

Okay-so aside from my latest posts--we have been going on with life.  It does go on and you must continue to live and do fun things--RIGHT!!!?  So--we got a new friend in our family. Ryder named her Fuzzy. She is a cute little fuzzball of a kitten.  Just petite in her own right. She follows us around outside like a dog would, and loves to chase Ryder.  She has pretty blue eyes that I hope stay that way.

Last weekend my whole family was home {all 6 of us kids with spouses and children in tow} so we had a fun weekend of hanging out and visiting. We haven't all been together since June 4 so it was way over due.  We took the kiddos to Papa's Pumpkin Patch in Bismarck for an afternoon-they had a lot of fun in the bale maze.

We have also gotten a lot of work done around here.  Quay finally finished all the trailers and got them out of my front yard.  We got the garage all shingled-can I get a HOORAY!!  My pre-winter to do list on the fridge is almost complete!  What an accomplishment-it's nice to see those things crossed off.

I am ready for something great to happen in our lives though, because despite the few fun things we have done lately--it seems nothing is going right. Our dog, Odie, destroyed our last fence collar {ugh}, he has been sick for several days so he is on dog-antibiotics, and this morning when I let Odie outside I looked down into the basement to find about 3 inches of water in it!!!  So to put it out mildly-we've had a bad month. I am ready for November to come so maybe our luck will turn around. I want to put all of this behind me and move on to bigger and better things!!

......

So-the ride is still on.  One day I am great, no problem-I can handle this.  But not 2 minutes later I am a sobbing mess of tears.  And the tears just flow.  I still don't understand, and I probably never will. I am just having a hard time with that. Every time I turn around a new person is announcing their pregnancy and I just want to scream.  I don't know what to do with myself. I have distanced myself from people because I just can't deal with them right now. I need to mourn the loss of someone I never even knew, someone I never got the chance to know, but I love them just the same because in my dreams I could see their tiny face, and feel their tiny hands wrap around my finger. I wanted a chance to be a mother again to another sweet little someone. I have an amazing group of friends and family. I have had so many tell me if I need anything to let them know. But there is only one thing that I need right now and no one can give me that. No one can make this empty feeling go away. My heart is broken, and I know that time will heal it, but right now I am just sad. I wish I had something one to show for all the money we spent on IVF and FET. But we don't-it was all for nothing. It was money spent on sadness and emptyness. I know we must take chances in life, and I really thought this chance was going to be worth it, but so far not.

I need something happy to happen in my life.  I am holding on to my family with all I've got, because they are my everything. I am clinging to God, waiting for His answer on what I should do next.

Make it stop...

I usually really like carnival rides, but this emotional roller coaster I am on needs to come to a halt.  The weekend was okay-one day I feel great, the next its like I am in the gutter.  I just feel so "betrayed", like God brought my hopes up again, then they just crashed down and were stomped on.  I know there is a higher power at work here, I know God is in control. But dang it-just once I want a break. When does my family become complete?

Last night I was reading my new Redbook magazine. As I flipped through the pages I come to a big article on Infertility. Wow-there it was staring at me. Infertility-my disease.  I have known I am infertile for nearly 8 years now, but it is still just so hard to grasp.  I still hold out hope every month that my ugly monthly friend won't show up and I will get that "surprise!!!" feeling that I have never felt.  In the magazine they talked about some videos other women have made telling their journey on Infertility Road. So, I got out the laptop and watched a few of these videos, and one truly hit home for me.  It was a woman like me who had primary infertility, had 2 children through IVF and is now going through secondary infertility to try and have a 3rd child.  She explained in her video how she just feels that her family isn't complete, she is so thankful for the children she has but yearns for just one more.  That is exactly how I feel!!! I am over the moon about my little boy-he is the greatest gift I have ever received, but I just don't feel whole. I feel there is someone missing, and infertility has robbed me of that person I may never get to meet.  Last night Quay and I got into bed and just out of nowhere the tears flowed down my cheeks.  For the last month or so I had been imagining being pregnant again, looking at baby stuff in the stores, buying maternity clothes. I think the biggest disappointment I have about not being pregnant is not being able to tell Ryder that he is going to be a big brother.  We haven't really told him that it didn't work yet, I just don't even know what to say to him.  I know he's going to be sad, but being 6 I know he'll get over it in 5 minutes. Not like his mom who takes 5 months.

Life is hard. Plain and simple. It sucks sometimes and you wonder if you are doing the right thing. Sometimes I wonder why we even tried again. Now we are in debt again, and for nothing. I have nothing to show for it but a scarred heart, and a tear stained face. I guess as humans we just always have to strive for more, why can't we just be satisfied? Why why why.......

It's over

The week is finally over and I must say I am relieved. It's been the longest week-full of anxiety.  On Wednesday morning we got our first beta test pregnancy test results only to be heartbroken once again when she told me the number was less than 1.  Today we went back for test #2, and again-negative.  I am truly broken hearted that I won't be pregnant ever again.  I loved being pregnant, I found it to be truly amazing that a tiny little person was growing inside of me. 

I just feel so broken. My body won't do what a woman's body is supposed to do. I feel like I try so hard in life to do the "right" thing, be a good person, but it just doesn't seem like it matters.  Why doesn't God answer our prayers? Why can't I have a house full of children?  I know there is a reason for everything, but I don't get this one.  I hope someday I will find the answer.